Just wrote down everything I can remember about a day that changed my life. Altered it forever. Duh, I cried.

Grateful for a friend today that reminded me, my story is sacred. He knew my story long before I was made.

Psalm 139:15-16 “My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”

He gave me this story to glorify Him. Why wallow in despair over this season in my life where I have challenged myself to confront and conquer that day? Jesus didn’t put up with wallowing. No sir.

John 5:6-8 “When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in his condition for a long time, he asked him, ‘Do you want to get well?’ ‘Sir,’ the invalid replied, ‘I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.’ Then Jesus said to him, ‘Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.’”

My mat and I are walking tomorrow. Maybe that’s why I’ve been running so much lately… trying to tie a physical action / overcoming a physical challenge with the mental and emotional obstacles I’ve begrudgingly forced myself to acknowledge. Funny, before tonight, I would have rather ran another 13.1 miles (that would have been 52.4 miles in two months) then deal with the day.

Walking down to domination station with a group of women tomorrow night. Only Satan can keep us from responding to his command, “Get up!” Thankful that my Savior is love, action and mercy.

K

Let him love storms. Place on his heart a passion for the beauty of your creation. I pray that you will bless him with the wisdom to see the value of the storm and the faith that you will lead us through the thunder. Give him a heart to see creation in your destruction, opportunity for growth during the rain. Let him see the storm as a blessing. Let the storm always remind him of your power.

Job 40:9 “Do you have an arm like God’s, and can your voice thunder like his?”

I pray that he will value time to grow in your Word. May he always understand the importance of an intimate relationship with you. Use him in those quiet times. Teach him how to lead us in intimacy with you. Give him peace. Bless him with transcending, all-consuming peace tonight. Cover him with your love. Comfort him tonight.

K

Fair Warning: In an effort to best glorify God, I am going to work on myself so that I can become a better disciple. That being said, let’s talk about me.

Something happened today that had me analyzing the crap out of myself, analyzing how I measure myself and analyzing the crap people say about me. It was a very selfish day.

I have self-worth. I know I am valuable, wanted, desired and loved by Him. I also know that the lucky SOB that gets to spend the rest of his life with me (God willing) will value me, want me, desire me and love me like Christ loved the church. However, I have not been pursued by a Christ-loving man or any man for that manner in the past ten months.

Philippians 2:14-15 “Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation. Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky.”

I understand that my self-worth should not be measured by how many awkward first dates I get to stumble through. But, really.

My friends, family and community group affirm me constantly. My life is slowly turning into this article, “Female Friends Spend Raucous Night Validating The Living Shit Out Of Each Other.” They are pretty sure I’m awesome. 

So with my self-worth in place, affirmation at an all time high and a pretty good pace of meeting men. What the what?

Is it me or them… I can blame a previous generation’s lack of parenting skills or blame my self-sabotaging tendencies. It’s a mystery to me tonight, but I will keep trucking in this process of discovery. Just think of me diagramming, journaling and digging into the Bible with a metaphorical trucker’s hat. 

K

Sheretta is a shy woman, almost 26, single mom and just moved out of a homeless shelter. Sheretta is also a Member of Back on My Feet. Yes, the kickass organization I work for.

In March 2011, I went for my first run with Sheretta. We literally got stuck running together because we’re the same height, same pace, same sense of humor. Starting out for a two mile run, I would ask Sheretta about life… no response. About her kids… one word answer. I have vivid memories of running through the streets of downtown Dallas in utter silence, not because I didn’t have anything to say (HA!), but because I knew I didn’t need to.

Today, we can’t stop talking. She knows my heart, she knows my love for laughter and she definitely knows I’m not the best babysitter.

I’m not writing all of this today to ask for money (that’s my day job). I am writing this today - and you can see what D Magazine wrote about Sheretta - because we need to turn her new house into a home.

In December 2011, Sheretta moved into a three bedroom townhome. Today, she is still sleeping on an air mattress with her angels, Taylor and Tylor. With two kids under the age of five, Sheretta’s family needs a whole lot of everything!

• Two twin size beds
• One full/queen size bed
• Dining room table and chairs
• Dressers, one for each member of the family
• Two desks
• Lamps
• Shelves
• Curtains
• Rugs
• Chairs

I am personally renting a truck on Saturday, January 28th to help pick up donated, low-cost items. If you have an item which you would like to donate to Sheretta, Taylor (five year-old girl) and Tylor (two year-old boy). Please email me at kristenkouk@gmail.com. Thanks for listening!

Saved a life with some paper hats from Dollar General. 

Whole-hearted prayers were whispered today. Chest exploding, soul strained, burning SOS signals up to Him. Never felt more like a vessel. It wasn’t me speaking. It couldn’t have been me speaking, because I know exactly what I would’ve said. I’ve said it before about my brother and it sounded something like… you selfish sonofabitch.

With the events of today, questioning of His plan has seriously infiltrated the brain. Why couldn’t you give me someone to walk with through this?

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Not to sound prideful, but I did rock the situation despite some minor internal freak the eff outs. I know You hand me things I can handle. And I can. But Batman has Alfred dude.

Maybe I’m not giving enough credit to the ones I called today. Parents, friends, experts. They collectively make up my Alfred. But I highly doubt they would all fit in the queen size bed for a sweet cuddle sesh.

Not inferring that a significant other would have made things easier today, but it kind of would have.

K

I don’t think you’ll be a quiet guy. I really don’t. I think you’ll dance, scream, laugh, sing, clap and praise in a way that reflects the joy in your life. You’ll pretty much be a disco ball of worship.

You will radiate passion for Him. You will not be a weak-hearted, lame-assed small talk kind of guy. You will understand the value of your words and actions, and you will make each ounce count. Your heart will sing no other name.

You will be known for bold moves. Not just in your walk with Christ, but with others. You will be intentionally intentional.

Buddy Jesus, you are not. A church camp counselor-esque, over the top, used car salesman, you’re not. You are vocally passionate and sincere.

Psalm 138:1 “I will praise you, O Lord, with all my heart; before the ‘gods’ I will sing your praise.”

Plus, you better sing because I’ve got to have someone to harmonize with. For.ev.er.

K

I am glad this post is about delayed gratification because it’s taken me a month to actually start and finish it. Boatloads has happened this month future husband. I have a greater understanding of who you are after struggling with pastoral advice, debating aggression with my community group and ultimately deciding my fifteen year old sister knows much more about Christian dating then eHarmony.

Actual conclusion after sisterly discussion…  I have been dating giraffes. Giraffes are ungodly men. I know the cutest giraffes. I can approach giraffes. I understand how giraffes are wired. I can seduce a giraffe. I’ve aced the giraffe test. Bunnies are godly men. I began this journey (writing The List) knowing that I wanted to marry a Christian, but with little clue on how to attract a bunny. Bunnies are an enigma. I don’t know what they look like or what they like to do. I don’t know where to find them. I don’t know how to act or flirt. I don’t even know how to let them open the door without having a self-reliance meltdown.

But much has been revealed to me wise grasshopper blog reader. So expect a boatload of additions to The List in the near future. Thanks to my church home, I’ve found a boatload of badass Christian men.

You have to be a marathoner. Literally would be awesome, but spiritually and mentally are required. You will train for marriage like training for a… well, a marriage. A lasting, healthy, ripple causing, ground shaking marriage between two equals pursuing Christ together. You will model endurance, faith and stamina. You will know the finish line is worth the effort.

I will wait for you. See both here and here for my favorite reminders. And in the meantime, I’ll attempt to walk the talk. I will train for marriage and parenthood. (That’s right, readers… parenthood. Fostering and adoption have been placed on my heart.) I will invest in myself and others.

Before we go on our first date, I will:
a// dive into prison ministry and take steps towards sharing with those that need a reminder of God’s grace
b// lose twenty pounds and run a half marathon to remind myself I am strong in other ways
c// quit drinking for one month and in doing so, destroy an idol and become more Christ-like
d// continue ministering to and supporting my parents while learning from them

2 Timothy 1:7 “For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline.”

Oh, and…
e// write a complete list of detailed must-haves for my future husband

K

After re-listening to last week’s message, I’ve decided I quite possibly, may have overreacted in my determination of JP’s saying: dress attractively, not to attract.

Two verses which calm my outrage yet pique my interest.

1 Peter 3:3-4 “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”

I’m all about a verse that places inner beauty as paramount, especially when I decide to skip the last minute on the bike at 24 Hour Fitness. However. I AM NOT OF QUIET SPIRIT. I understand that women’s role in society has drastically altered over the centuries of social evolution. But with today’s expectations of American women, this point is huge. “Unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit.” Do I possess or reflect neverending grace? And if I don’t, is it because I believe my circle of influencers expect me to be steadfast, capable, opinionated and autonomous? Or because those characteristics are coping mechanisms left over from an abusive relationship?

“Grace is compassion, gratitude, surrender, faith, forgiveness, good manners, reverence, and the list goes on. It’s something money can’t buy and credentials rarely produce. Being the smartest, the prettiest, the most talented, the richest, or even the poorest, can’t help. Being a humble person can and being a helpful person can guide you through your days with grace and gratitude.”

That, ladies and gentlemen, is from a bottle of body wash in my shower. The copywriting lackey who penned this passage obviously understands grace. Now I just need to write a letter to my cool new creative writing idol and request a definition for “gentle and quiet spirit.” I would like to think that they would shoot back with something like this…

Proverbs 31:25 “She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.”

This is my verse girlfriend. Some words I can relate to, strength, dignity and laughter.

K

“Well, maybe you’ll meet a doctor.”

Because that’s why one would consider a life changing dedication to a cause which affects thousands in dire need, to meet a doctor. Peepaw owes me an apology.

Poopaw? He freaked out in the not good way; the way when you question your parenting toolbox after your daughter confesses she wants to give up a salaried position for “no good reason.”

Here’s a darn good reason.

Matthew 5:7 “Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.”

For those readers that have the same issues with guilt as I do and automatically assumed someone done did me wrong, I’m referring to a different kind of mercy and interpreting the aforementioned verse with this definition of mercy in mind… alleviation of distress; showing great kindness toward the distressed.

A perfectly random and hypothetical example of a merciful act like performing more than 56,000 operations that are free to patients such as cleft lip and palate, cataract removal, straightening of crossed eyes, orthopaedic and facial reconstruction. 

Barriers to serving this mission?

1) Convince parents that I am merely God’s temporary wealth manager. It ain’t my money. Plus, I’ve had a history of bad financial decisions. 2) Convince myself that I am one big tool. I am merely God’s skilled tool to service those deserving mercy while floating on one big compassion boat. 

Clearly, genius has turned into madness.

K

Duane is from Irving. He’s lived in Canada and Oklahoma. He doesn’t have a home now.

Hebrews 12:1 “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.”

I can’t assume Duane hasn’t always run towards Christ. However, I will assume that there have been rare pearls of inspirational moments in Duane’s life.

He doesn’t know it (he can barely remember my name), but Duane inspires me to run.

Running and racing is inherently selfish; perhaps that’s why it was used in this letter to early believers. We are entreated to delegate time, training and effort towards investing in ourselves if we are to efficiently persevere through the race, our run towards Christ. Also known as perfection. No pressure.

I am the last person to preach concerning athletic perseverance. Thirty minutes into Danceaton and I am laughing at my snapping skills, planning my next Pinkberry visit and calculating my haggle for a gently loved Marc Jacobs handbag. These are weak thoughts. Weak, un-athletic physical moments have been accompanied by pathetic, unchallenged inner dialogue over the past two years.

I’ve recruited my cloud of witnesses, those teammates without a home, and I am ready to throw off the feeble attitude that hinders me from running the race marked out for me. Literally and figuratively. Concurrently.

Matthew 5:41 “If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles.”

K